Heidi's Hell Hole

I'm a list person. I'm forever making lists and then crossing things off my list. It makes me feel like I actually did something. To be honest, though, sometimes my list lookslike:

1) Make coffee

2) Shower before noon. Shave legs!

3) Fold & put away laundry

4) Record What Not to Wear on DVR

5) Browse Craigslist 'Best Of' for new posts

 

And yes, I feel better once I've completed lists like that. I know I've been away for awhile. We cancelled our Comcast to set up Qwest internet and there was an, ahem, slight delay. Besides, one of my colleagues quit on Monday and work has subsequently been hell. Anyhoo, here's two lists I've been thinking about all week.

Various Diets I have Been on. And some I'm currently trying:

1) Throw up everything 30 minutes after you eat it because you're pregnant diet. (Been there.)

2) Eat everything in sight because you crave everything known to man and hey, didn't your doctor say not to worry about weight gain diet? (Done that.)

3) The too busy to even think about food and oh, hey! Look! An Oreo and orange juice! That can be dinner diet. (Do that quite a bit.)

4) The I just spent $150 on groceries that I didn't have and this shit better last diet. (Currently there.)

5) The I don't even have enough money to take advantage of the Wal-Mart two for twenty-five cent special on Top Ramen so make the best of what we have in the house diet. (Do that a lot more than I'd like to admit...)

 

The last two work pretty well, I must admit.

Last one, I promise....

Signs you watch too much What Not To Wear:

1) You record the whole damn season on your DVR

2) When you leave the house you wonder what Stacy & Clinton would say about your look.

3) You see people on the streets and automatically mentally make them over, WNTW style.

4) You can quote fashion advice word-for-fucking-word to anyone who will listen.

5) If WNTW is on, then your whole family is watching it, even if they don't want to. (Bry-yeah, I'm talking to you. Admit it, you like it. It's not gay, I promise.)

6) You've begged people to nominate you just so you can meet Stacy & Clinton, and shop with them in NYC with five grand.

 

(I am guilty of all of those. Sooo guilty.)

Inspired by Club Half As Small As You, I decided to quit fooling myself and diet. (Besides, I tried to fit into a pair of pants I wore 5 years ago and they busted on me. Okay then.) It's effing torture. Do you hear me? TORTURE!

I have a few food weaknesses. Firstly, I firmly believe everything tastes better when you add cheese and bacon. (Wendys Baconator anyone?) Secondly, if you bread it and deep fry the thing, I'll eat it. I looove fried foods. Thirdly, I have a severe addiction to Dr. Pepper. Albertsons had a sale on Dr. Pepper: 5 cases for $7. We sooo bought 5 cases. Fourthly, and most importantly, I have no willpower. My receptionist brought in left over baby shower cake and I was powerless to resist it's sweet, sugary, lard filled song. I had a piece. Now, I don't actively seek out sweets. But if there's a cupcake, Oreo, or leftover Halloween candy, I'll eat it. (Because, you know, it would be a shame to see that hard earned money spent on it go to waste.) Not buying it? Really? I thought it was a pretty solid argument, myself.

So, for the past couple of days I've been eating a single can of tuna for lunch. And something small for dinner. And since I run up and down 2 flights of stairs roughly 10 times a day, I figure that's exercise. Right? Right.

But to make up for my tasty, delicious calories, I've tuned into more, ah, shall we say, self-destructive devices? Smoking, for one. (Yes, yes, I know it's a nasty habit. No, I don't smoke around the baby. And yes, I know its a slow death. Shut up.) I crave cigarettes now more than ever. If I didn't harness it, I would be a pack a day smoker right about now. But then I would sound like my Aunt Jean, who sounds like a baritone on the phone. Scary.

Oh, and I'm not the nicest person. Doesn't help that Bryans sending me IM's about the raspberry-filled doughnuts he's eating and the Arbys he had for lunch. And how the sweet glazed goodness of Krispy Kreme's is on his desk right now. (Bry: I'll get you, my pretty. And your (not so) little dog, too.) While I'm over here starving for the greater good, and trying to convince myself that tuna really IS just as good as a Wendys Baconator (mayo and pickle only, please!), large fries, large Dr. Pepper, and a side of cardiac arrest, he's chowing down.

But if I want to get down to my goal weight of 120, I guess I'll suffer. Hopefully being able to squeeze my fat ass into the Luckys I used to look smokin' hot in will be worth this.

(Damn skippy