Actually, I've learned quite a few things. Some I'm sure other parents could've easily told me. But do I listen? Noooo, I'm all-knowing. I'm gonna learn the hard way! But, here's some lessons she's taught me:
1) It doesn't matter what the gift is, she'd rather eat the wrapping paper. She will also have more fun with the wrapping paper than anything else.
2) It doesn't matter what kind of expensive baby food I buy her, she'd much rather gnaw on the dogs tail. Thank God we have a very understanding dog that doesn't mind if she's got a death grip on her ears while gnawing on her tail.
3) When introducing solid foods, don't introduce fruits first. Why? Because unless you want a Top Notch Snit on your hands, just don't. The first time I tried to get her to eat peas instead of the apple sauce she's used to, not only did she spit it out (on me, no less) she got mad. And, like her Mama, once she's mad it takes an Act of God to get her calmed down.
4) Speaking of solid foods, thank you Keebler and thank the inventor of graham crackers. In the store, and forgot to pack a bottle? Whip out a Keebler Club cracker or a graham cracker and you're good for at least 15 minutes. Also provides some prime photo ops.
5) Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, don't interupt Pook's routine. Don't have the time to give her a bath right at 2000 hours? Better make time. Daddy not there to play bath squirties with her? Better get here. Don't have the lotion for her nightly massage? Damn well better find some. Why? Because screwing up her routine makes her one angry baby who refuses to sleep.
6) Speaking of sleep, that kid has an internal alarm clock like you would not believe. It doesn't matter if she goes to bed at 2300 or 2000, she is UP at 0730, like clockwork. And ready to be fed, changed, and played with. There is no snooze button on her, either. No giving her a binky so you can get an extra couple Z's, no bringing her into bed with you so she'll calm down so you can sleep. When she's up, she is UP. And you better be ready to cater to her every whim, unless you want WW3 on your hands.
7) When she's hungry, she's hungry now. She will not wait the 1 minute it takes to get her food prepared. Nope, she wants it all, and she wants it now. (Bonus points if you not only know what band sang that lyric, but what song it's from.) Oh, and she doesn't give you any warning. She doesn't just start to get fussy, she just is fussy. One minute you're playing happily with wrapping paper, the next she's screaming like a banshee and demanding food.
8) Everyone said I deserved a daughter just like me. Well guess what I got. A hard-headed, stubborn, won't sleep kid. Just like me. I should've known God has a sense of humor. When she's tired, you can't just lay her down and leave it at that. Not unless you want to hear ear-piercing screams for twenty minutes. Nope, you have to more or less wear her out until she's ready to drop then lay her down. Still screams, but it's only for a minute or so.
Those are just a few of the many life lessons I have learned. Like I said, God has a sense of humor. Which is why I ended up with a baby girl just. Like. Her. Mother. Someone's having a good laugh at my expense. (DAD!)
We accidentally left Kiera, our dog, outside. While outside she managed to not only roll in crap but get sprayed by a male cat. She came inside as Leah and I were chatting, (it went really well, BTW.) and I about died and said,
"What the hell did you roll in? You smell like ass!"
So, Joe took it upon himself to be brave and hazard a whiff. He confirmed that she had, indeed, rolled in crap and been sprayed.
Can you just wash the dog off in the shower? Nooo. This dog doesn't do water. She runs from it in sheer terror. Bathing her isn't an option, at least not at 2230 hours it's not.
What was Joes solution?
"HEY! I have a brand new bottle of Axe!"
So what does Joe do? In his valiant yet misguided attempt to make this walking pile of of feces smell better, he sprayed half the can on the dog.
Ever smelled Axe? Axe, like many things in life, is best enjoyed in moderation. It's one of those 'too much of a good thing" things. When you mix Axe and ass, y'know what you get? MY DOG. The same dog who follows everyone from room to room so she can spread her nastiness all over the house, instead of just keeping it confined to one room like any other polite dog would do.
To add salt to my wound...Guess who's room and who's bed she sleeps on? MINE! What happens if she doesn't? She gets upset and chews up something...Normally something expensive. And mine. So we have a bit of a conumdrum on our hands...Do we let her sleep with us and thus make our room smell like a cheap whore house? Or do we risk her chewing up something?
(Personally....We have too much crap. Go for it, dog.)
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