I know, I know, it’s late. Sorry. Anyway, heeere we go!
Bryans Parents: Thanks for the sterling silverware set. I’ve got spoons, forks, knives and shit. And shit, what are we going to do with this stuff? His mom, bless ‘er heart, said “Y’know, in case you guys make a nice dinner or something.” Um, have you been to dinner at our house? It resembles feeding time at the zoo. Goodness, I feel a sense of accomplishment if I have more than one side dish. Oh well. Thank you, Bryans Parents.
Joe: Thank you, sincerely, for watching Her Royal Highness, Princess Pissy Pants today. I’m sorry we didn’t realize until Friday afternoon that daycare was closed. Of course, Bryan couldn’t take off work because he’s already running on a skeleton crew. I couldn’t because my Regional VP is in town. Thank you, Joe.
Regional VP: Dude, seriously. You freak everyone out by saying you’re going to be in town on Monday and Tuesday. I stayed late Friday night to catch up a report, even. Only for you to call at the eleventh hour saying you’re not coming, you need to work on something else. It’s like having a stay of execution.You know it’s going to happen eventually, and you just want to get it over with yet you’re happy you get some more time. Either way, it’s enough to make a person drink they’re lunch. Thank you, Regional VP.
Payroll: Hey, thanks guys. I get my paycheck way late, and even then, it’s screwed up. Now, I don’t know about all you upper muckety-mucks over there in snooty Connecticut, but over in my world there are a few things I’ve come to rely on. One is my paycheck being on time. The second one is being correct. I know, I’m weird like that, aren’t I? Then you guys get mad that I had the audacity to cash it. Uh, yeah, because I still have bills to pay. I can’t wait the week it takes for you guys to reissue a corrected check. Sorry. I cannot believe you guys actually have degrees. Thank you, Payroll.
Pooker: I know it’s not your fault, but dang girl. The whole weekend, you’ve been a pooping machine. What’s really fun is getting peed on in the mall and walking around with pee on me. And then Sunday morning, you were sitting on my lap, babbling happily. Then I smelled something so rank, so utterly disgusting, I was convinced the dog had died. Nope. You had exploded up your back, down your legs, andall over me. And they say the best part of waking up is Folgers. Silly marketing people. Thank you, Pooker.
Weather: Yay, you're finally warming up. Only to freeze tonight. What's up with being bipolar? Oh well. You were great while you lasted. Thank you, Weather!
PMS: Thanks to you, I've got 3 saved drafts about what a douche Bryan is being. Things that wouldn't normally bug me are making me homicidal. I need Prozac. Thank you, PMS!
Divorce Court: Yeah, thanks for draggin' this out. AGAIN. Jesus Christ, just make my parents settle already, wouldja?! I'm over it. Thank you, Divorce Court!
Housing Market: Look, if you think for one second I'm paying $1,250 to live in a glorified trailor, you're on crack. I know every time the housing market takes a dump, the rental market drives prices up. But I am NOT paying over a grand to live in a dump. I do that already. Thank you, Housing Market!
Morons Who Park Their Cars On the Side Of the Road: when the city specifically told you not to. Why? Because the plows couldn't get through to plow or spray deicer! Then you have the effin' gall to bitch about how "Nuthin ever gets plowed around here!" then move your POS 1987 "Red Dragon" Camaro, you asshat! Now my streets suck! Thank you, Morons!
1) Snow: Y'know, we've set national records with the amount of snow we've gotten in the last few weeks. WTF? Are you on some kind of mission to prove that you do indeed exist? Or that with your help, we can be NUMBER ONE?! Nothing wrong with being mediocre and only dropping about 3-4" of your white self. Or hell, be last. Don't drop at all. Thank you, snow!
2) Drivers: I'm losing my faith in humanity fast here, people. After observing the way about 95% of all y'all drive in the snow, I'm convinced the only requirement to pass the driving test is a heartbeat. Most of you drive way too fast to begin with, tailgate like you just have to get a view of the inside of my exhaust, and aren't courteous anyway. But after my little incident on Monday? I'm utterly convinced every last SUV driver needs to be ass raped by Big Bubba in the state penn who needs a new bitch. Thank you, drivers!
3) IRS: A big fuck you to this little group. I closed my 401K account, but I can't take out my money unless I've declared a hardship? Fuck you, every damn day is a hardship for me. We're in a recession, or haven't you heard? It's my money, and I can't take it out unless you say so? Fuck you, I need every damn red cent I can get right now. (Not really, I swear. Please don't audit me. I love you.) Thank you, IRS!
4) My bosses: Thank you, sincerely, for closing the office early on days when we got totally dumped on. I'd rather drive when we have 6 inches than 10 inches. Makes it easier to see and easier to pick up Princess Pissy Pants. And honestly, asking our service reps to drive when visibility is reduced to the end of your nose is like asking them to join the X games without a helmet. Honestly, Thank you, bosses!
5) Heat: You have made the Old Wolf's year. Which means my year is made. Also, you've shown a side to me I never knew existed with Pooker Butt. I can't tell you how much everything you've done in the last 7 months or so means to me. I wish we spoke more often, but trust me when I say I understand. I do. But holy fuck I love you. I know you're not the mushy type, and that's OK. I know you love me in your own snarky, sarcastic way. Which is why I love you so damn much. Thank you, Heat.
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