Again, another appropriate time being Christmas Day and all. This year, money was tight, and I learned that Christmas doesn't come under the tree but in other forms. Here's my top 5 things I am most thankful for.
1) Pooker Butt: I fought long and hard for her. She is so perfect. Even though she was in no way planned, I couldn't have asked for anything better. She makes me want to be better in every way. I love her so much it hurts. Um, literally at times. Thank You, Pooker Butt!
2) My family: Specifically, the Old Wolf & H1. When my Father dies, a very large part of me will die with him. I love him more than I could ever put into words. H1 and I fought like cats and dogs growing up, but you'd never know it to see us today. We are each others better halves, and it's unspoken, "You fuck with her, you fuck with me." Anyway, I love her very very much, too. Thank You, Family!
3) My job: Yeah, it's not the best paying or the most glamorous in the world, but its mine. I know in todays tough economy, jobs are hard to come by. I feel blessed that I have a decent, stable job. Thank You, job!
4) My friends: I don't have a lot of friends, this much is true. But the ones I do have are true friends. They don't care if I'm not en vogue, politically correct (since none of them are anyway), or that most of the time I'm dirt poor. We're there for each other. We laugh together, cry together, bitch together, raise our kids together...What else could I ask for? Thank you, friends!
5) What I have: Isn't much, I'll guarantee you that. But I know that I have more material goods than a lot of people in other countries ever dreamed of having. At least I have a warm bed with cozy sheets, a comfy couch, and clothes to put on my back. And Pooks certainly not hurting for anything. Thank You, God, for blessing me with what I have.
1) Snow: Um, who the hell authorized you? I didn't sign any paperwork authorizing you to come into town. Not only that, you dumped roughly 3-4 feet on me! You're cold, you're wet, you get into everything, and you make trying to drive an exercise in futility. Thank you, snow!
2) Christmas: While I have no problems celebrating what you were originally meant for, I have issues celebrating what you've become. I'm so tired of ads telling me to buy this or buy that and trying to make me feel worthless if I can't. Newsflash: we're in a recession! I'm pretty sure the millions of women who won't open up a little velvet box aren't going to think their husbands don't love them anymore. And I'm equally as sure that if I don't get my 7 month old daughter every single fucking learning toy out there that she won't grow up retarded. I mean, come on we're talking about the same kid who's favorite toy is still the dogs tail. Thank you, Christmas!
3) Nyquil: Without you I would'nt have been able to sleep most of this week. I don't know why but lately trying to sleep has been somewhat problematic for me. I don't like having to rely on chemicals to get me to sleep but it's better than either A) being wired until I fall alseep from exhaustion or B) being so lethargic I can barely function. Thank you, Nyquil!
4) My boss: Thank you, sincerely, for shutting down the office early yesterday and completely today. Driving home in 5-foot visibility made me almost pee my pants. And driving into work today would've taken me at least 2 hours, and I would've for sure keeled over from being scared to death from the other moronic drivers out there. Thank you, boss!
5) Me: When you get it right, you nail it. When you're wrong...Yeesh. You know you always screw up cutting Pooker's nails. You always nip her, which is why you always have Bryan do it. What the hell posessed you to attempt it tonight? Because guess what! You nipped her finger, it bled something fierce (she's OK), and of course we have no baby-sized Band-Aids in the house. So, now her index finger is wrapped in a huge bandage and she's ticked because she can't suck on it like she's used to. Moron. Thank you, Me!
1) Epilepsy: Kiss my effing ass. You had the nerve to introduce yourself to me while I went through puberty, (because God knows that puberty isn't hard enough! OH MY GOD, I KNOW! Let's add seizures! Yay!) Then you showed up when I was tryin' to birth a baby, asshole. Now, thanks to you, I can freaking talk without sounding like an utter moron. And by the way, guys: I know I'm hard to understand. But I will only repeat things once, after that, it's not cute or funny. It's rude. Jerk offs. At any rate, Thank you epilepsy!
2)Adam: Thank you, seriously, for inviting me to California! I am very excited! I can't wait to see you and, oh yeah, have a real vacation! Trust me, I've Googled stuff to do in L.A and San Diego like you wouldn't believe. So, while all y'all are here freezing your butts off, I'll be wearing flip flops and shorts! Thank you, Adam!
3) Cold Virus: Who the hell invited you into my house?! Not only does Joe sound like he's dying, (it's pretty funny actually to listen to), you've got Pook sick you heartless bastard! My once sleeping-peacefully- through-the-night baby is up every 30 effing minutes coughing and crying! Oh yeah, and she won't eat, either! Merry effing Christmas to ME. Thank you, Cold Virus!
4) Weather: You've been pretty mild so far, one little snow flurry so far. But today we've got a fog that won't leave and wait-I'm getting a report that we're supposed to have snow this weekend. Um, excuse me? Who authorized this shit? I have to drive an hour to my company party this weekend! And I'm supposed to look pretty and bare my legs in my dress! I hate you! No snow! Okay, I feel better. Thank You, weather!
5) Tongue: I get it. You're punctured and sore and swollen. Knock. It. Off. Already. You didn't do this when I shoved a metal bar in you, why now?! I can't eat anything with a thicker consistency than liquid. Have you any idea how hard it is watching everyone else eat stuff like sandwiches and you're eating soup?! Oh, and I just adore talking like a total idiot. Get back down to your regular size already!! Thank you, Tongue!
1) Mother: You no longer deserve the title of Mom. A mom is someone who loves their child, and cares about their health and well-being. A mother is a woman who got pregnant and carried the child to term. After nearly a quarter of a century of putting up with your shit, I'm done with you. Finally. You earn number one spot because you have given me a prime, sterling, excellent example of what NOT to be as a person and as a mother. Thank you, Mother!
2) Daddy: Seems like I'm always thanking you. I guess it's appropriate since you're the single biggest influence in my life. Thanks for talking me down from my hysterics on Tuesday. Please live forever. My life without you would be a black hole. Please don't ever die, Daddy. Thank you, Daddy!
3) Alys: We normally don't really like each other. But you were the only one out of an office of 20 that told me that I was flashing everyone. Now that everyone knows what color thong I prefer, I think I'll go die now. But, with all sincerity, Thank you, Alys!
4) Yahoo! Messenger: without you, I wouldn't be able to talk to my BBF (best bloggy friend) and doppleganger Jackie. Nor would I be able to talk to Adam, who's across the world and learn that dog tastes like a cross between venison and chicken. Thank you, Yahoo! Messenger!
5) Sales reps: Thank you for displaying just how depraved and perverted all y'all are. I know for a effing fact that no less than 5 of you saw my bare, white, dimpled ass and didn't say anything. Look, while I appreciate the backhanded compliment...Exactly what about my ass is so appealing? It's pasty white and dimpled. Honestly. Perverts. And all y'all wonder why my pants are baggy. Dumbasses. Thank you, reps!
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