Corporate: Thanks for relatively nothing, asshats. So you don't pay me for a full month. Then I find out you're cutting my pay by 9%. Not to mention the rampant rumors that I won't have a job here shortly. Yet you still want me to come in every single day, on time, dressed up, and do 100% of my work...Um yeah no. Thank you, Corporate!
Bryan: Thank you for putting up with my neuroses (and there's quite a few) about the yard. You've put up with my quite colorful language choice when attacking the mother f*cking bamboo and dandelions. Thanks for that. I love you, babe. Thank you, Bryan!
Twat Face: Thank you for divorcing Bryan. Without you, I'd never have Pook. And lets face it, next to you, I look pretty damn classy. And grown up. And mature. I also look like the worlds best mother. Oh, and thanks for being such a twat. It gives me such wonderful fodder for my blog. Bitch. Thank you, Twat Face!
Spring time: Oh, thank GOD you're here. I was beginning to think Winter had taken over. But you're HERE! With your warm weather, blooming flowers, and singing birds! I love you! I can wear sandals again! Thank you, Spring Time!
Craigslist: Thanks for updating the Best Of section. It gets me through my day. You should keep up on that. Really. Thank you, Craigslist!
Pneumonia: Thanks for nothing, you douchbag virus. Thanks for knocking me flat on my damn ass. Because of you I can't hold my daughter for a week and a half. Bastard. Thank you for nothing, Pneumonia.
Codiene: Loooove you. Love the cough medicince you're in. Love whatever drug company made you. Love that fact that because of you I can kinda sorta breathe again. To quote Saving Abel, "I'm so addicted to all the things you" Thank you, Codiene!
Daytime TV: Thank you. Because of you I'm reminded as to why I like to go to work. There's only so many reruns of Nash Bridges, infomercials, and crappy talk shows one can watch before I throw up. And I'm resigned to watch you for the next week. Damn I want to go back to work. Thank you, Daytime TV!
Kleenex with lotion: Thank GOD you're here. I was looking at having a red, cracked, chapped nose and a stiff upper lip without you. Considering that I'm blowing my nose every other effing minute, you never really appreciate how much soft tissues matter. Because of you my nose isn't as decimated as my lungs. Thank you, Kleenex with Lotion!
Epilepsy: Thank you. Without you I would have no reason to singlehandedly support the Anbesol Company and other companies of its ilk. I'm supporting the economy! Thank you, Epilepsy!
Bryan: Thank you for our daughter, Pook. Thank you for teaching me that I'm the only one who will stand up for me, and that I need to. Thank you for teaching me that my needs are important, and deserve to be met. Thank you for three years. Three rollercoaster years. Thank you, Bryan.
Old Wolf & Cindy: Thank you both for helping me through a very trying time. You've listened to me cry, laugh, rage, and rationalize. Without you two I could not have made it through this. I love you both dearly. Thank you, Old Wolf & Cindy!
Anbesol & Kanka: Without you two I could not talk right now. Not that I can really speak with your help, you know..The whole swollen tongue thing. But at least I don't howl in pain every time I move my damn tongue. Thank you, Anbesol & Kanka!
John: Even if this doesn't work out in five minutes, five days, five weeks, or five years. You've taught me that I am indeed beautiful and dammit I deserve to be told that. Thank you, John!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s been awhile. Good things come to those who wait. So, uh, yeah. Take that, Internet.
USMC: Hey thanks for deploying Gaki. It’s not like I don’t love him or anything, noooo. It’s not like I wanted to see him again. It’s not like he doesn’t have a nephew who adores him, who thinks the sun rises and sets with him. Nope, not at all. Not like he didn’t have other friends who love him and want him, y’know, ALIVE. Thank you, USMC.
Jackie: I love you, Triplet Doppelganger. Our conversations over the last couple of days have been interesting, no? Oh, sweet cheeks, you’re such a dear. Love you, m’dear. Give your darling and your kid a kiss from me. Kisses, bitch. Thank you, Jackie.
Delana: You might ask why I’m thanking you. Well for one, you finally let a good man go so he can finally move on with his life. Secondly, you’ve been a BIG source of entertainment for me. It’s quite nice because next to you I look like a sanest woman to ever walk the Earth, and God knows that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Well, you wouldn’t know about telling the truth so I guess you can’t relate. Anywho, Thank You, Delana!
Corporate: Thanks for the $500 bonus check. I really needed that. Oh, and thanks to my Regional VP’s for personally calling to thank me. There’s nothing quite like getting a compliment for all your hard work. For realz, yo. (Yes, I did pass High School English. Hush.) Thank You, Corporate!
Silver Safari: I love, love, love my piercing! It was affordable, it didn’t hurt, and he was so professional. I love it, thank you! I feel cool again. (Scary thought, isn’t it?) Thank You, Silver Safari.
H1: Look, I know I was a total bitch to you last time I was down there. I didn't mean to be. You really ARE awesome to Pooker Butt. But next time you want to condemn me and my choices, maybe walk a mile in my shoes first, okay? Thanks for being brutally honest, though. Thank you, H1!
Old Wolf: Thank you for hearing me out. As you know, your support means everything to me. I'm going to make choices you're not going to like. But please trust that I do them with the best intentions of my daughter and I in mind. Thank you, Old Wolf!
Gaki: Yep, I'm back to you. Again. Thank you very much for letting me call and vent to you while you were up on the mountian. You're so much like the Old Wolf it's scary. It was like talking to him. Aishiteru! Thank you, Gaki!
Delana: Thanks for giving me new fodder for my SBOTW page of my blog. Thank you for making me ashamed to have a uterus. Thank you SOOO MUCH for putting a very dear friend of mine through hell. Rot in hell, whoremonger. Oh, and don't tell me to change my page again. Ask Joe's ex girlfriend what happened when she demanded I do that. It's not pretty. Whore. Thank you, Delana!
Gaki: Thank you for the much-needed vacation. I had more fun than I imagined! I sincerely hope everyone else sees the changes I do. At least you know you screwed up. Aishiteru domo, bishounen. Thank you, Gaki!
Epilepsy: A big screw you to this little disorder. Thanks for the massive seizure Sunday night. I know I needed to sleep, okay?! Couldn't you have waited until I was in bed?! Argh! Thank you, Epilepsy!
Blackberry: I can see why you're called the Crackberry. I love you. And you're pink to boot! I heart you! Thank you, Blackberry!
Sales Rep: The next person who has the customer sign paperwork without the T & C on the back meets the business end of my Sig. Because of that I cannot legally pick up the equipment that's mine to pick up! Have you any idea what that feels like? It's humiliating! Thank you, Sales Reps.
I know, I know, it’s late. Sorry. Anyway, heeere we go!
Bryans Parents: Thanks for the sterling silverware set. I’ve got spoons, forks, knives and shit. And shit, what are we going to do with this stuff? His mom, bless ‘er heart, said “Y’know, in case you guys make a nice dinner or something.” Um, have you been to dinner at our house? It resembles feeding time at the zoo. Goodness, I feel a sense of accomplishment if I have more than one side dish. Oh well. Thank you, Bryans Parents.
Joe: Thank you, sincerely, for watching Her Royal Highness, Princess Pissy Pants today. I’m sorry we didn’t realize until Friday afternoon that daycare was closed. Of course, Bryan couldn’t take off work because he’s already running on a skeleton crew. I couldn’t because my Regional VP is in town. Thank you, Joe.
Regional VP: Dude, seriously. You freak everyone out by saying you’re going to be in town on Monday and Tuesday. I stayed late Friday night to catch up a report, even. Only for you to call at the eleventh hour saying you’re not coming, you need to work on something else. It’s like having a stay of execution.You know it’s going to happen eventually, and you just want to get it over with yet you’re happy you get some more time. Either way, it’s enough to make a person drink they’re lunch. Thank you, Regional VP.
Payroll: Hey, thanks guys. I get my paycheck way late, and even then, it’s screwed up. Now, I don’t know about all you upper muckety-mucks over there in snooty Connecticut, but over in my world there are a few things I’ve come to rely on. One is my paycheck being on time. The second one is being correct. I know, I’m weird like that, aren’t I? Then you guys get mad that I had the audacity to cash it. Uh, yeah, because I still have bills to pay. I can’t wait the week it takes for you guys to reissue a corrected check. Sorry. I cannot believe you guys actually have degrees. Thank you, Payroll.
Pooker: I know it’s not your fault, but dang girl. The whole weekend, you’ve been a pooping machine. What’s really fun is getting peed on in the mall and walking around with pee on me. And then Sunday morning, you were sitting on my lap, babbling happily. Then I smelled something so rank, so utterly disgusting, I was convinced the dog had died. Nope. You had exploded up your back, down your legs, andall over me. And they say the best part of waking up is Folgers. Silly marketing people. Thank you, Pooker.
Weather: Yay, you're finally warming up. Only to freeze tonight. What's up with being bipolar? Oh well. You were great while you lasted. Thank you, Weather!
PMS: Thanks to you, I've got 3 saved drafts about what a douche Bryan is being. Things that wouldn't normally bug me are making me homicidal. I need Prozac. Thank you, PMS!
Divorce Court: Yeah, thanks for draggin' this out. AGAIN. Jesus Christ, just make my parents settle already, wouldja?! I'm over it. Thank you, Divorce Court!
Housing Market: Look, if you think for one second I'm paying $1,250 to live in a glorified trailor, you're on crack. I know every time the housing market takes a dump, the rental market drives prices up. But I am NOT paying over a grand to live in a dump. I do that already. Thank you, Housing Market!
Morons Who Park Their Cars On the Side Of the Road: when the city specifically told you not to. Why? Because the plows couldn't get through to plow or spray deicer! Then you have the effin' gall to bitch about how "Nuthin ever gets plowed around here!" then move your POS 1987 "Red Dragon" Camaro, you asshat! Now my streets suck! Thank you, Morons!
1) Snow: Y'know, we've set national records with the amount of snow we've gotten in the last few weeks. WTF? Are you on some kind of mission to prove that you do indeed exist? Or that with your help, we can be NUMBER ONE?! Nothing wrong with being mediocre and only dropping about 3-4" of your white self. Or hell, be last. Don't drop at all. Thank you, snow!
2) Drivers: I'm losing my faith in humanity fast here, people. After observing the way about 95% of all y'all drive in the snow, I'm convinced the only requirement to pass the driving test is a heartbeat. Most of you drive way too fast to begin with, tailgate like you just have to get a view of the inside of my exhaust, and aren't courteous anyway. But after my little incident on Monday? I'm utterly convinced every last SUV driver needs to be ass raped by Big Bubba in the state penn who needs a new bitch. Thank you, drivers!
3) IRS: A big fuck you to this little group. I closed my 401K account, but I can't take out my money unless I've declared a hardship? Fuck you, every damn day is a hardship for me. We're in a recession, or haven't you heard? It's my money, and I can't take it out unless you say so? Fuck you, I need every damn red cent I can get right now. (Not really, I swear. Please don't audit me. I love you.) Thank you, IRS!
4) My bosses: Thank you, sincerely, for closing the office early on days when we got totally dumped on. I'd rather drive when we have 6 inches than 10 inches. Makes it easier to see and easier to pick up Princess Pissy Pants. And honestly, asking our service reps to drive when visibility is reduced to the end of your nose is like asking them to join the X games without a helmet. Honestly, Thank you, bosses!
5) Heat: You have made the Old Wolf's year. Which means my year is made. Also, you've shown a side to me I never knew existed with Pooker Butt. I can't tell you how much everything you've done in the last 7 months or so means to me. I wish we spoke more often, but trust me when I say I understand. I do. But holy fuck I love you. I know you're not the mushy type, and that's OK. I know you love me in your own snarky, sarcastic way. Which is why I love you so damn much. Thank you, Heat.
Again, another appropriate time being Christmas Day and all. This year, money was tight, and I learned that Christmas doesn't come under the tree but in other forms. Here's my top 5 things I am most thankful for.
1) Pooker Butt: I fought long and hard for her. She is so perfect. Even though she was in no way planned, I couldn't have asked for anything better. She makes me want to be better in every way. I love her so much it hurts. Um, literally at times. Thank You, Pooker Butt!
2) My family: Specifically, the Old Wolf & H1. When my Father dies, a very large part of me will die with him. I love him more than I could ever put into words. H1 and I fought like cats and dogs growing up, but you'd never know it to see us today. We are each others better halves, and it's unspoken, "You fuck with her, you fuck with me." Anyway, I love her very very much, too. Thank You, Family!
3) My job: Yeah, it's not the best paying or the most glamorous in the world, but its mine. I know in todays tough economy, jobs are hard to come by. I feel blessed that I have a decent, stable job. Thank You, job!
4) My friends: I don't have a lot of friends, this much is true. But the ones I do have are true friends. They don't care if I'm not en vogue, politically correct (since none of them are anyway), or that most of the time I'm dirt poor. We're there for each other. We laugh together, cry together, bitch together, raise our kids together...What else could I ask for? Thank you, friends!
5) What I have: Isn't much, I'll guarantee you that. But I know that I have more material goods than a lot of people in other countries ever dreamed of having. At least I have a warm bed with cozy sheets, a comfy couch, and clothes to put on my back. And Pooks certainly not hurting for anything. Thank You, God, for blessing me with what I have.
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