1) Snow: Y'know, we've set national records with the amount of snow we've gotten in the last few weeks. WTF? Are you on some kind of mission to prove that you do indeed exist? Or that with your help, we can be NUMBER ONE?! Nothing wrong with being mediocre and only dropping about 3-4" of your white self. Or hell, be last. Don't drop at all. Thank you, snow!
2) Drivers: I'm losing my faith in humanity fast here, people. After observing the way about 95% of all y'all drive in the snow, I'm convinced the only requirement to pass the driving test is a heartbeat. Most of you drive way too fast to begin with, tailgate like you just have to get a view of the inside of my exhaust, and aren't courteous anyway. But after my little incident on Monday? I'm utterly convinced every last SUV driver needs to be ass raped by Big Bubba in the state penn who needs a new bitch. Thank you, drivers!
3) IRS: A big fuck you to this little group. I closed my 401K account, but I can't take out my money unless I've declared a hardship? Fuck you, every damn day is a hardship for me. We're in a recession, or haven't you heard? It's my money, and I can't take it out unless you say so? Fuck you, I need every damn red cent I can get right now. (Not really, I swear. Please don't audit me. I love you.) Thank you, IRS!
4) My bosses: Thank you, sincerely, for closing the office early on days when we got totally dumped on. I'd rather drive when we have 6 inches than 10 inches. Makes it easier to see and easier to pick up Princess Pissy Pants. And honestly, asking our service reps to drive when visibility is reduced to the end of your nose is like asking them to join the X games without a helmet. Honestly, Thank you, bosses!
5) Heat: You have made the Old Wolf's year. Which means my year is made. Also, you've shown a side to me I never knew existed with Pooker Butt. I can't tell you how much everything you've done in the last 7 months or so means to me. I wish we spoke more often, but trust me when I say I understand. I do. But holy fuck I love you. I know you're not the mushy type, and that's OK. I know you love me in your own snarky, sarcastic way. Which is why I love you so damn much. Thank you, Heat.
Again, another appropriate time being Christmas Day and all. This year, money was tight, and I learned that Christmas doesn't come under the tree but in other forms. Here's my top 5 things I am most thankful for.
1) Pooker Butt: I fought long and hard for her. She is so perfect. Even though she was in no way planned, I couldn't have asked for anything better. She makes me want to be better in every way. I love her so much it hurts. Um, literally at times. Thank You, Pooker Butt!
2) My family: Specifically, the Old Wolf & H1. When my Father dies, a very large part of me will die with him. I love him more than I could ever put into words. H1 and I fought like cats and dogs growing up, but you'd never know it to see us today. We are each others better halves, and it's unspoken, "You fuck with her, you fuck with me." Anyway, I love her very very much, too. Thank You, Family!
3) My job: Yeah, it's not the best paying or the most glamorous in the world, but its mine. I know in todays tough economy, jobs are hard to come by. I feel blessed that I have a decent, stable job. Thank You, job!
4) My friends: I don't have a lot of friends, this much is true. But the ones I do have are true friends. They don't care if I'm not en vogue, politically correct (since none of them are anyway), or that most of the time I'm dirt poor. We're there for each other. We laugh together, cry together, bitch together, raise our kids together...What else could I ask for? Thank you, friends!
5) What I have: Isn't much, I'll guarantee you that. But I know that I have more material goods than a lot of people in other countries ever dreamed of having. At least I have a warm bed with cozy sheets, a comfy couch, and clothes to put on my back. And Pooks certainly not hurting for anything. Thank You, God, for blessing me with what I have.
1) Snow: Um, who the hell authorized you? I didn't sign any paperwork authorizing you to come into town. Not only that, you dumped roughly 3-4 feet on me! You're cold, you're wet, you get into everything, and you make trying to drive an exercise in futility. Thank you, snow!
2) Christmas: While I have no problems celebrating what you were originally meant for, I have issues celebrating what you've become. I'm so tired of ads telling me to buy this or buy that and trying to make me feel worthless if I can't. Newsflash: we're in a recession! I'm pretty sure the millions of women who won't open up a little velvet box aren't going to think their husbands don't love them anymore. And I'm equally as sure that if I don't get my 7 month old daughter every single fucking learning toy out there that she won't grow up retarded. I mean, come on we're talking about the same kid who's favorite toy is still the dogs tail. Thank you, Christmas!
3) Nyquil: Without you I would'nt have been able to sleep most of this week. I don't know why but lately trying to sleep has been somewhat problematic for me. I don't like having to rely on chemicals to get me to sleep but it's better than either A) being wired until I fall alseep from exhaustion or B) being so lethargic I can barely function. Thank you, Nyquil!
4) My boss: Thank you, sincerely, for shutting down the office early yesterday and completely today. Driving home in 5-foot visibility made me almost pee my pants. And driving into work today would've taken me at least 2 hours, and I would've for sure keeled over from being scared to death from the other moronic drivers out there. Thank you, boss!
5) Me: When you get it right, you nail it. When you're wrong...Yeesh. You know you always screw up cutting Pooker's nails. You always nip her, which is why you always have Bryan do it. What the hell posessed you to attempt it tonight? Because guess what! You nipped her finger, it bled something fierce (she's OK), and of course we have no baby-sized Band-Aids in the house. So, now her index finger is wrapped in a huge bandage and she's ticked because she can't suck on it like she's used to. Moron. Thank you, Me!
1) Epilepsy: Kiss my effing ass. You had the nerve to introduce yourself to me while I went through puberty, (because God knows that puberty isn't hard enough! OH MY GOD, I KNOW! Let's add seizures! Yay!) Then you showed up when I was tryin' to birth a baby, asshole. Now, thanks to you, I can freaking talk without sounding like an utter moron. And by the way, guys: I know I'm hard to understand. But I will only repeat things once, after that, it's not cute or funny. It's rude. Jerk offs. At any rate, Thank you epilepsy!
2)Adam: Thank you, seriously, for inviting me to California! I am very excited! I can't wait to see you and, oh yeah, have a real vacation! Trust me, I've Googled stuff to do in L.A and San Diego like you wouldn't believe. So, while all y'all are here freezing your butts off, I'll be wearing flip flops and shorts! Thank you, Adam!
3) Cold Virus: Who the hell invited you into my house?! Not only does Joe sound like he's dying, (it's pretty funny actually to listen to), you've got Pook sick you heartless bastard! My once sleeping-peacefully- through-the-night baby is up every 30 effing minutes coughing and crying! Oh yeah, and she won't eat, either! Merry effing Christmas to ME. Thank you, Cold Virus!
4) Weather: You've been pretty mild so far, one little snow flurry so far. But today we've got a fog that won't leave and wait-I'm getting a report that we're supposed to have snow this weekend. Um, excuse me? Who authorized this shit? I have to drive an hour to my company party this weekend! And I'm supposed to look pretty and bare my legs in my dress! I hate you! No snow! Okay, I feel better. Thank You, weather!
5) Tongue: I get it. You're punctured and sore and swollen. Knock. It. Off. Already. You didn't do this when I shoved a metal bar in you, why now?! I can't eat anything with a thicker consistency than liquid. Have you any idea how hard it is watching everyone else eat stuff like sandwiches and you're eating soup?! Oh, and I just adore talking like a total idiot. Get back down to your regular size already!! Thank you, Tongue!
1) Mother: You no longer deserve the title of Mom. A mom is someone who loves their child, and cares about their health and well-being. A mother is a woman who got pregnant and carried the child to term. After nearly a quarter of a century of putting up with your shit, I'm done with you. Finally. You earn number one spot because you have given me a prime, sterling, excellent example of what NOT to be as a person and as a mother. Thank you, Mother!
2) Daddy: Seems like I'm always thanking you. I guess it's appropriate since you're the single biggest influence in my life. Thanks for talking me down from my hysterics on Tuesday. Please live forever. My life without you would be a black hole. Please don't ever die, Daddy. Thank you, Daddy!
3) Alys: We normally don't really like each other. But you were the only one out of an office of 20 that told me that I was flashing everyone. Now that everyone knows what color thong I prefer, I think I'll go die now. But, with all sincerity, Thank you, Alys!
4) Yahoo! Messenger: without you, I wouldn't be able to talk to my BBF (best bloggy friend) and doppleganger Jackie. Nor would I be able to talk to Adam, who's across the world and learn that dog tastes like a cross between venison and chicken. Thank you, Yahoo! Messenger!
5) Sales reps: Thank you for displaying just how depraved and perverted all y'all are. I know for a effing fact that no less than 5 of you saw my bare, white, dimpled ass and didn't say anything. Look, while I appreciate the backhanded compliment...Exactly what about my ass is so appealing? It's pasty white and dimpled. Honestly. Perverts. And all y'all wonder why my pants are baggy. Dumbasses. Thank you, reps!
It's appropriate, beings that it's Thanksgiving and all. Here are my thank you Thursdays:
1) I am thankful for my daughter, Pook. She is the best thing I've ever done. Seeing the world through her eyes is refreshing. I love her so much it hurts. Thank you, Pook.
2) I am thankful for my Father, Cindy, and H1. She unexpectedly showed up for thanksgiving, after not really speaking civilly to my father for 2 years, thanks to my Mother. She made my Fathers year, and it was the best thanksgiving either. As you know, I love love love love love my Old Wolf. Without him, my life would be a black hole. And Cindy? She has brought smiles to his face again, something I rarely saw growing up. Thank you, family.
3) I am thankful for Bryan. He proved that he will stand up for me, which means a lot. He said "She's really grown up and matured in the last 6 months. She's right where she needs to be." And he also loves me. He also thinks the yelling Whats-Her-Pockmarked-Face did was crap, and he won't stand for it. I heart him. Thank you, Bryan.
4) I am thankful for bloggy friends like Jacqueline, who's a woman after m'own heart. I am thankful for real world friends like Amber who's just as bitchy as I am. Thank you, friends of mine.
5) I am thankful for all the people who hate me, and who think I'm immature. It reminds me that there are people out there who are worse off than I am to invest that much negative energy into fruitless endeavors. It reminds me of how good I have it. It also reminds me I have a life and better things to do. Thank you, hateful asshats!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, ate too much, didn't regret it, and had to leave with the pants unbuttoned. Most of all, I hope you spent it with people you love. I know I did.
1) Ronda. Thank you for just walking out unexpectedly on Monday after bitching nonstop on a daily basis on how much you hate this place. And you didn't stop there! You filed a complaint about how much of 'hostile work environment' this was and you named me in it! Why? Because when M told you to blow it out your ass I laughed? Look, you got what you deserved on that front, baby. Just because you're bitter doesn't mean the rest of us feel that way. Thank you, Ronda!
2) Jessi: Thank you for lending me Pawn of Prophecy. I loved that book 8 years ago when I first read it, and I love it now. It's where my Father and I got our little code names. You also gave me a welcome escape from my normal fare of husband-kills-wife true crime. Thank you, Jessi!
3) Pook: Thank the Gods you finally learned, for the most part, how to feed yourself. As long as I put the food on the spoon for you, you're A-Okay. And you've learned to hold your own bottle. It's cute to watch your hands that are still a skoach too small grab the bottle. It's also nice to be able to eat while you eat, as long as I keep my eagle-eye on you. You're also providing some prime photo ops. Thank you, Pook!
4) Washington State: I go in for Pook's review and y'all tell me that I might be eligible for Basic Food. Sure, I say, what the hell? Grocery prices around here are userous. You tell me that I qualify for $14. A MONTH. WTF? Thanks but no thanks, you can keep it. What the hell am I supposed to do with $14 a month? I can't even buy a package of ground beef for $14! But what did you do? Signed me up anyway! It's insulting. Thank you, Washington!
5) Jacqueline: My little bloggy friend. We've started chatting a few times a week and turns out we have a lot in common. Chatting with you is a welcome break from "Heidi, did you analyze and code that report?" "Heidi, why hasn't Buck called me back yet?" You're a snarky little lass! Keep your head up, girl. Eventually things will look up. I know it's hard to see now. Trust me, I know. You're a good friend. Thank you, Jackie!
I know I haven’t posted much this week. It’s been a crazy week in my little slice of hell. But, nonetheless, here is todays’ Thank You Thursday.
1) Gas Prices: I cannot thank you enough for going down to $1.99. And now I hear rumors that you might go as low as $1.40? Oh, come now, you can do better than that! Lower your standards to $1.00. At any rate, Thank you gas prices!
2) My Mother: I tell you that the only Grandfather I’ve ever known has died. And, thanks to a stupid family feud you started years ago, I missed out on 15 years of knowing him. And when I tell you that no, Dad is not going because, again, thanks to your smear campaign against him to this own mother, he’s been made persona non grata there. I tell you that he passes on his condolences, and how he doesn’t wish being widowed on anyone. But you couldn’t let it go at that, could you? Nooo, not you, Ms. Martyr! You had to make it all about you! Get this through your drunken head: Dad didn’t “abandon” you. You spent your entire marriage to him being drunk and telling anyone that would listen,(um, including your kids!)you weren’t happy with your husband and kids, and how you wanted to be single again and free. What a shock, he got sick of it and left! But, hey, Mom, thanks for turning my grief into blinding rage because once again, it’s not about anybody else but you. Thank you, Mom!
3) Bryan: Thank you, Bryan. Thank you for being there for me last night and letting me vent. Thank you for letting me alternate between tears of sorrow and tears of rage. Thank you for basically letting me have the night off, and just vegging out on the couch with a cold beer and a movie. By the way, you look very handsome today. I love you very much. Thank you, Bryan!
4) Dad and Cindy: Thank you both for putting up with this screwed up kid you have as a (step)daughter. Dad, I know it was hard dealing with Mom for all those years, and yet you’ve still managed to be a stand-up, class act. Cindy…Where do I start? You’ve been the Mother I always needed and never had. I love you for letting me vent about anything and everything, and how you tell me like it is, even if I don’t want to hear it. I love you both beyond words. Thank you, Dad and Cindy!
5) Veterans: I don’t know what to say. To all of those who have served and made the ultimate sacrifice. To those who have served and lost limbs, eyes, or have shrapnel still in their bodies. To those still serving to keep the freedoms I hold dear alive, both domestically and abroad. To those who have lost spouses, children, and loved ones. To those who have spouses, children, or loved ones still fighting. Each and every one of you hold a very dear place in my heart. With all sincerity, Thank you, Veterans!
Here goes nothing. WELCOME TO THE NEW THANK YOU THURSDAYS!
1) Time change. Like a lot of parents, their kid(s) have an iron clad schedule for naps and bedtime. Pook's bedtime varies depending on how tired she is. Sometimes seh'll be wired at 2100 hours. But every morning without fail she wakes up at 0730. You can set your watch by it. Now, with the time change, she's up at 0630 whether I like it or not. So much for snuggling in for another hour of sleep. Thank you, time change!
2) Heather. Oh, darling sister of mine, where do I start? I guess I'll just simply say: thanks for putting me in the middle. Thanks for making me be the one to deliver the bad news to Daddy. I had to go to bed with the knowledge that he was probably crying and upset, because of a phone call I made, because you don't have the backbone to tell him yourself. Thank you, H1!
3) Weather. Good Lord, just snow already wouldja? You keep threatening to but in the end all I get when I go outside is a biting wind, overcast skies, and bare trees. I hate driving with you, but you sure are a purdy one. Besides, I want to take pictures of Pooky in the snow. Thank you, weather!
4) Aunt Flow. I hate you! I tell you every month that you're persona non grata in my body but you come anyway, uninvited. And you stay way too long. Thanks to you I have to wear nasty period Granny Panties; which give me horrible VPL. Oh, and it makes me into a raving, fire breathing dragon. Thank you, Aunt Flow!
5) Bryan and Joe. Thank you once again for a lovely feast of tacos last night. Taco Wednesday was a wonderful idea. I love them and I will keep gobbling them up as long as you keep on makin' them. You both are fabulous cooks. Thank you, boys!
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