You want the truth about guilt? You can't handle the truth!
Sorry. I just woke up and I've only had 2 cups of coffee.
Let me tell you about guilt. Here's the two things in my life I feel guilty about. 1) My relationship with my Mother. 2) Being a Mother.
The relationship with my Mother is rocky at best. It's always been that way. Growing up in a very Bible-centered family, she loved to quote the Fifth Commandment: Honor thy Father and thy Mother. Any time I was arguing with her, misbehaving, or being a pain in the ass, she'd quote that line. It's gotten worse over the last few years, chiefly because her and my Father are divorcing. She likes to insult my Father to me, and I refuse to hear it. And the teeny tiny little fact that I'm closer to him than her. But, since Pooker Butt is just like me, (God has a sense of humor, so it seems), she's a great source of information. She's also bought a ton of stuff for her and I. When I was pregnant, she bought me lots of maternity clothes. When Pook made her appearance, she bought her a ton of stuff. But that doesn't negate the emotional turmoil she causes. Sometimes I feel like she's trying to buy me off. I feel guilty for taking her stuff, I feel like a gold digger. But on the other hand, its stuff we need. And I do love her. Deeply. So while I try to maintain that delicate balance between actually having a relationship with her, but not letting her destroy my sanity, guilt enters in. It's complicated.
Mommy Guilt...Again, we have a rocky relationship. Somewhere between making sure your child has plenty of play time with you and being too tired to even think, Mommy Guilt comes in. The feeling of giving your best, and the feeling that your best isn't good enough. I look and I see ads for playgroups, baby development workshops/toys/programming and I think to myself "Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that?" but then I think of the bills we need to pay this week and the idea gets nixed. Then I feel Mommy Guilt. Then I think to myself, "You know, Heidi, they didn't have this when your parents were growing up, or when you and Heat were growing up, and y'all turned out just fine." Then I remember how screwed up I am, and that little voice inside my head shuts up. Mommy Guilt: don't leave home without it!
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