Heidi's Hell Hole

The new SBOTW is....PEREZ HILTON!

Douche, you insult a rapper on your blog. On a regular basis. Now, I'm not sayin' you don't have that right, you do. Hell, the first post of SBOTW centered around that right. But rappers are notorious for beat downs. You're a celebrity blogger, you should know. So don't get all upset and sue a Will. I. Am's manager for punching you. You got what was coming to you. You talked smack about a rapper, his group, and you are downright nasty about it. You deserved to be bitch-slapped a loooong time ago.

 

I, and many others, think you had it coming. This guy was just balls enough to actually do it.

The new SBOTW is none other than....ME.

 

Because of my potty mouth, my child at the tender age of ONE has learned to swear. (Kinda.) Granted, she doesn't realize what the "F" word means. But she does know how to say it now. I can't tell you how proud of myself this makes me.

 

Furthermore, Daycare...Well, suffice to say they're not exactly in approval of my STERLING parenting skills. Hahaha I am teh klassee, no? No.

 

My mother and my Father aren't too proud of me either. In my (weak) defense, my swearing is genetic. My Father swears, my Mother can swear but the Grand Poo-Bah of swearing? None other than Grandma B. That woman can SWEAR. Creatively, no less. She taught H1 and I at a very early age. Some families pass on heirlooms, pictures, or recipes as part of their legacy. My family passes on filthy mouths.

This week we have not one, not two, but three stupid bitches! I spoil you guys.

Carrie Prejean:

You're not on here for your religious beliefs, Miz CA, no matter how screwed up I think they are. You're a stupid bitch for the way you flat out lie and contradict yourself. "I'm a very religous person, I loves me some Jay-sus." Apparently your religion condones getting fake titays to win a beauty contest, posing nude, and then lying about it. I think Jesus spoke about that in Liars 4:53, "Behold, ye shall get implants so that ye may win Miss USA. And behold, O believers mine, thou shalt pose nude and semi nude and bear false witness about it. And behold, for these things ye shall burn in hell, if the clap doesn't get you first." This is the word of our Lord. Stupid bitch.

Perez Hilton

You're a man, but you're so flaming I can bake a chicken on your ass, so you also get the Stupid Bitch title. I know you're all for equal marriage rights. Hey, I support it myself. Gay folks deserve to be just as unhappy as us straight folks. But like Miss CA before you on this list, you're trying to push your own beliefs and views on everyone else. You've made this into a bigger issue than it really is. Furthermore, it was a loaded question. It's one thing for any other interviewer to ask, "What is your stance on gay marriage?". It's another when the person asking it is known for their outspoken belieds on the subject, and is gay him/herself. It would be like me asking, "So, Miss California, what's your favorite color [and it better be pink you silicone-filled bitch]?" So, hey, congrats! Bet you've never won Stupid Bitch!

Twat Face:

I save the best for last. Yes, Angel, who from now on will be referred to Twat Face, is naturally on this list. First of all, you must be REALLY stupid to even think to ask Bryan to give up the rights to the kids. Secondly, asking me to ask him for you is spectacularly cowardly. Through text message no less. Thirdly, you asked me not to tell him! HAH! RIGHT! Last but not least, you stupid fucking bitch, if you keep broadcasting that you're broke and can barely afford to feed your family, posting that you just bought $250 jeans and that your fiancé just bought you a dozen long stemmed roses isn't very bright. Guess what? Bry and I see that. And save all those messages. Just in case you try to take this to court. But,

There's times when I am proud to be born a woman.

We have cuter clothes.

We're the fairer sex.

Most advertising is aimed at us.

 

This isn't one of those times.

There are women out there who make me cringe to think we share the same chromosomes.  Devil Woman. Joe's Ex. Mama Bear. And now, we can add John's exwife, Delana to this ever-growing list.

First of all, Delana dear, who the hell cheats on her husband and tells everyone? Then you were surprised when he found out! Seriously? Then you tell him the most asinine lies. "Nope, I didn't talk to him all day." (Funny, that's not what the cell phone records say when John got the bill.) "No, I didn't go out on Valentines Day." (So those pictures dated 02/14/09 were Photoshopped?) "Yes, I still wear my ring." (Not what the pictures or your friends say.)

Oh, and Delana Dear, please believe John when he says there's nothing inappropriate between him and I going on. We text all day. It's fun and I'm helping him through the morass of shit you drug him into. How could we do this to Bryan? Easy, since he knows everything we're doing. So, when he tells you there's nothing going on, he's telling the truth. Trust me, sweetcheeks, I'm mean enough that I'd gladly tell you (and send pictures) if there was something going on.

One last thing, before I officially grant you the dubious honor of Stupid Bitch Number 5...Don't ever tell me again to change what my Myspace says. It's my Second Ammendmant Right. People have fought and died to protect it. I have a very dear friend, Gaki, who's currently defending it. I will not cheapen what they've done because you "don't like it". Well, Dearie, I don't like what you're doing to John but you won't stop. So there.

 

But, I officially grant thee the title of Stupid Bitch Of The Week Number Five!

Jacqueline is busy moving her family into their beautiful new home, and they've all got colds. So I'm at at again!

We actually have two stupid bitches this week, to make up for last week. Numero uno is Rajo Devi, who, at 70 became the oldest woman on Earth to give birth. Her husband and her having been trying in vitro for 5 years, and if finally worked. Why did they wait so long? Because her (corpse) husband is gonna kick the bucket soon and by Indian law, they need an heir to keep the farm in the family. Riiight. Way to populate an already overpopulated country. As Lisa Belkin asked in The New York Times Motherlode blog: “Ms. Devi’s newborn can be called a triumph of science over infertility, but is this really triumph? Where does the yearning to be a parent become selfish disregard for the life of the child being created? A child whose parents will almost definitely not see her into adulthood? How old is too old to have a baby?”

 

Our second SBOTW is Elizabeth “Lizzy” Frisinger. Little Lizzy is an 18 year old from Cleveland who porked for the first time. The problem? She sent a text message to her Dad to announce it. Now obviously, she didn't mean to text him. Her Dad responded with "I’m assuming this was intended for someone else. Get home now, use my credit card." Look, I can speak from experience when I say you typically go to great lengths to keep your parents in the dark about that kinda stuff. (Now me, I was only slightly smarter, I'll admit. I wrote it down. In my diary. And then hid my diary between my mattress & boxspring. Yes, they found it. HELL YES they were pissed!) Still, I was able to hide my lack of virginity for two years before either one of them found out. (Granted, they had their suspicions, and....Oh screw it, they knew all along and didn't say anything.)

 

So, to Raji & Lizzy: CONGRATULATIONS! You've both earned the title of Stupid Bitch of the Week!

 







 

Since Jacqueline is busy moving, I'm the guest blogger. On my own blog. Anyhoo,  without further ado, here's our stupid bitch of the week:

A Bothell HS Cheerleader was kicked off the cheerleading squad for the rest of the year for nude pictures of her being sext via text message around the school. Her parents are whining that the punishment is too severe and they're threatening to sue.

 
Her father had this to say:

"The image in question was neither taken by my daughter nor was it forwarded by my daughter," said Nielsen.

After discovering the photo, the Northshore School District suspended the girl from the cheerleading squad for the rest of the school year.

"And to me, it's outrageous that a government would come in and attempt to punish my daughter or myself for activities -- legal activities -- that we do in our own home," said Nielsen.

Okay so let me get this straight: because your daughter didn't take the picture, she shouldn't be punished? And it happened in your home? Look, Daddy-O your daughter knew the picture was being taken. If she was stupid enough to think that the picture wouldn't get forwarded, she deserves everything she gets.

Secondly, it is actually illegal. She's underage. Ever heard of child pornography? And where the fuck were you when this shit was happening? It happened in your own home...And although I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but your statement makes it sound like this happens all the time. Oh, that Suzy...There she goes buck naked again...She's such a little hooligan!

 

At any rate, congratulations, Bothell HS Cheerleader! You've earned our second Stupid Bitch Of The Week!

Hi this is Jacqueline, Heidi's bloggy friend and first guest poster!  I present to you our first ever Stupid Bitch of the Week!  

Our Inaugural Bitch is whats-her-name who dates Heidi's roomie.  WTF lady???  If you don't want to discipline your kid, and you are a guest in MY home, it automatically becomes MY business.  It doesn't matter who you happen to be fucking at the moment, that doesn't give you any special privileges.  Control your kid, or else she's going to grow up to be a stripper.  That's not my opinion, that's science.

In conclusion, here's what 5 years of service in the Marine Corps and a tour in Iraq have earned me:  The right to judge all ya'll stupid people and the right to be a flaming bitch.  Really, it's in the Constitution.

See?  You can't argue with science people.

Love,

Jacqueline

 

Heidi here. Who am I to argue with an ex-Marine who can kick my ass? And who I am to argue with science and the constitution?

 

More Stupid Bitches to come!