Bryan: I thought I knew love. I did not. I thought I knew peace. I did not. I thought I knew joy. I did not. Then I met you, and you have shown me all of this and more in ways I never thought possible. And everyday my love for you grows as you find new ways to show me you love me. I love you now and forever.
My Family: I’d like to thank especially the Old Wolf, for telling me I’d better not leave him, since no one else could put up with my shit & still love me & VOLUNTEER to spend their life with me. Your less-than-eloquently-put wisdom has gotten me through a lot. I love you more than I could possibly ever articulate. To Stepmom, who’s also slapped some common sense into me more than I could ever recount. Who’s also been my Mother without question, hesitation, or reservation. To the Heat…Ye Gods, Heat, how I love you. You are my twin, and thusly, one half of me. You will be in my prayers.
The Haters: You guys are so amusing, and so funny. You can’t possibly know how many laughs we’ve at your expense. But, without hell you can’t appreciate Heaven. You both have put Bryan and I through our own private hells, but now we’ve found Heaven in each other. So, in a way, I do thank you. We appreciate Heaven much more now that we’ve experienced Hell.
Office Asshole: Hey, thanks, you douchewad for making us ALL sweat because you’re cold. Next time, get thee a sweater. Do NOT program the thermostat at 85 damn degrees! Because guess what! Nobody in the office knows how to deprogram it to a more manageable temperature! And now we’re hot, sweaty, and PISSED. You’re just testing the limits of what exactly I would do for a Klondike bar, asshole.
Old Wolf: Thank you for...Well, being you. You're so much more than my Daddy. You're my partner in crime, confidant, best friend, drinking buddy, therapist, slap in the face, shoulder to lean on, shoulder to cry on, whipping boy, comedic relief....Everything. I cannot express how blessed I am on a daily basis that God chose you to be my Father. I also cannot adequately articulate how very proud I am to be your daughter.
Heat: Thank you so much for visiting the Old Wolf. I know it meant the world to him. Besides, after I heard the comment you made to Nate regarding his douchebaggery....Priceless. Thank you for giving me the honor of being your younger (by 4 minutes so don't get a big head) twin sister. I love ya, sis.
Bryan: Thank you for making Heat's trip possible. It meant so much to me. I cried when I found out that thanks to you and your connections, this trip would be possible. Thank you, also, for being such a wonderful Father to little Pook. As evidenced by the fact that she currently prefers you to me. The ingrate.
Twat Face: Thanks for being such a raging bitch and horrible mother when you were married to Bryan. Without that, he may not have divorced yo' ass. And without that he and I wouldn't be together. Thanks a bunch, sweet cheeks! (BTW, just 'cause I love ya...You might wanna lay off the tanning. You look like cowhide. Actually....)
WebExpress: Thank you for the shiny new BB faceplate. It's bright pink and encrusted with rhinestones. My wet dream. And cheap, and the shipping was lightening fast. Muah!
Corporate: Thanks for relatively nothing, asshats. So you don't pay me for a full month. Then I find out you're cutting my pay by 9%. Not to mention the rampant rumors that I won't have a job here shortly. Yet you still want me to come in every single day, on time, dressed up, and do 100% of my work...Um yeah no. Thank you, Corporate!
Bryan: Thank you for putting up with my neuroses (and there's quite a few) about the yard. You've put up with my quite colorful language choice when attacking the mother f*cking bamboo and dandelions. Thanks for that. I love you, babe. Thank you, Bryan!
Twat Face: Thank you for divorcing Bryan. Without you, I'd never have Pook. And lets face it, next to you, I look pretty damn classy. And grown up. And mature. I also look like the worlds best mother. Oh, and thanks for being such a twat. It gives me such wonderful fodder for my blog. Bitch. Thank you, Twat Face!
Spring time: Oh, thank GOD you're here. I was beginning to think Winter had taken over. But you're HERE! With your warm weather, blooming flowers, and singing birds! I love you! I can wear sandals again! Thank you, Spring Time!
Craigslist: Thanks for updating the Best Of section. It gets me through my day. You should keep up on that. Really. Thank you, Craigslist!
Pneumonia: Thanks for nothing, you douchbag virus. Thanks for knocking me flat on my damn ass. Because of you I can't hold my daughter for a week and a half. Bastard. Thank you for nothing, Pneumonia.
Codiene: Loooove you. Love the cough medicince you're in. Love whatever drug company made you. Love that fact that because of you I can kinda sorta breathe again. To quote Saving Abel, "I'm so addicted to all the things you" Thank you, Codiene!
Daytime TV: Thank you. Because of you I'm reminded as to why I like to go to work. There's only so many reruns of Nash Bridges, infomercials, and crappy talk shows one can watch before I throw up. And I'm resigned to watch you for the next week. Damn I want to go back to work. Thank you, Daytime TV!
Kleenex with lotion: Thank GOD you're here. I was looking at having a red, cracked, chapped nose and a stiff upper lip without you. Considering that I'm blowing my nose every other effing minute, you never really appreciate how much soft tissues matter. Because of you my nose isn't as decimated as my lungs. Thank you, Kleenex with Lotion!
Epilepsy: Thank you. Without you I would have no reason to singlehandedly support the Anbesol Company and other companies of its ilk. I'm supporting the economy! Thank you, Epilepsy!
Bryan: Thank you for our daughter, Pook. Thank you for teaching me that I'm the only one who will stand up for me, and that I need to. Thank you for teaching me that my needs are important, and deserve to be met. Thank you for three years. Three rollercoaster years. Thank you, Bryan.
Old Wolf & Cindy: Thank you both for helping me through a very trying time. You've listened to me cry, laugh, rage, and rationalize. Without you two I could not have made it through this. I love you both dearly. Thank you, Old Wolf & Cindy!
Anbesol & Kanka: Without you two I could not talk right now. Not that I can really speak with your help, you know..The whole swollen tongue thing. But at least I don't howl in pain every time I move my damn tongue. Thank you, Anbesol & Kanka!
John: Even if this doesn't work out in five minutes, five days, five weeks, or five years. You've taught me that I am indeed beautiful and dammit I deserve to be told that. Thank you, John!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s been awhile. Good things come to those who wait. So, uh, yeah. Take that, Internet.
USMC: Hey thanks for deploying Gaki. It’s not like I don’t love him or anything, noooo. It’s not like I wanted to see him again. It’s not like he doesn’t have a nephew who adores him, who thinks the sun rises and sets with him. Nope, not at all. Not like he didn’t have other friends who love him and want him, y’know, ALIVE. Thank you, USMC.
Jackie: I love you, Triplet Doppelganger. Our conversations over the last couple of days have been interesting, no? Oh, sweet cheeks, you’re such a dear. Love you, m’dear. Give your darling and your kid a kiss from me. Kisses, bitch. Thank you, Jackie.
Delana: You might ask why I’m thanking you. Well for one, you finally let a good man go so he can finally move on with his life. Secondly, you’ve been a BIG source of entertainment for me. It’s quite nice because next to you I look like a sanest woman to ever walk the Earth, and God knows that’s the furthest thing from the truth. Well, you wouldn’t know about telling the truth so I guess you can’t relate. Anywho, Thank You, Delana!
Corporate: Thanks for the $500 bonus check. I really needed that. Oh, and thanks to my Regional VP’s for personally calling to thank me. There’s nothing quite like getting a compliment for all your hard work. For realz, yo. (Yes, I did pass High School English. Hush.) Thank You, Corporate!
Silver Safari: I love, love, love my piercing! It was affordable, it didn’t hurt, and he was so professional. I love it, thank you! I feel cool again. (Scary thought, isn’t it?) Thank You, Silver Safari.
H1: Look, I know I was a total bitch to you last time I was down there. I didn't mean to be. You really ARE awesome to Pooker Butt. But next time you want to condemn me and my choices, maybe walk a mile in my shoes first, okay? Thanks for being brutally honest, though. Thank you, H1!
Old Wolf: Thank you for hearing me out. As you know, your support means everything to me. I'm going to make choices you're not going to like. But please trust that I do them with the best intentions of my daughter and I in mind. Thank you, Old Wolf!
Gaki: Yep, I'm back to you. Again. Thank you very much for letting me call and vent to you while you were up on the mountian. You're so much like the Old Wolf it's scary. It was like talking to him. Aishiteru! Thank you, Gaki!
Delana: Thanks for giving me new fodder for my SBOTW page of my blog. Thank you for making me ashamed to have a uterus. Thank you SOOO MUCH for putting a very dear friend of mine through hell. Rot in hell, whoremonger. Oh, and don't tell me to change my page again. Ask Joe's ex girlfriend what happened when she demanded I do that. It's not pretty. Whore. Thank you, Delana!
Gaki: Thank you for the much-needed vacation. I had more fun than I imagined! I sincerely hope everyone else sees the changes I do. At least you know you screwed up. Aishiteru domo, bishounen. Thank you, Gaki!
Epilepsy: A big screw you to this little disorder. Thanks for the massive seizure Sunday night. I know I needed to sleep, okay?! Couldn't you have waited until I was in bed?! Argh! Thank you, Epilepsy!
Blackberry: I can see why you're called the Crackberry. I love you. And you're pink to boot! I heart you! Thank you, Blackberry!
Sales Rep: The next person who has the customer sign paperwork without the T & C on the back meets the business end of my Sig. Because of that I cannot legally pick up the equipment that's mine to pick up! Have you any idea what that feels like? It's humiliating! Thank you, Sales Reps.
I know, I know, it’s late. Sorry. Anyway, heeere we go!
Bryans Parents: Thanks for the sterling silverware set. I’ve got spoons, forks, knives and shit. And shit, what are we going to do with this stuff? His mom, bless ‘er heart, said “Y’know, in case you guys make a nice dinner or something.” Um, have you been to dinner at our house? It resembles feeding time at the zoo. Goodness, I feel a sense of accomplishment if I have more than one side dish. Oh well. Thank you, Bryans Parents.
Joe: Thank you, sincerely, for watching Her Royal Highness, Princess Pissy Pants today. I’m sorry we didn’t realize until Friday afternoon that daycare was closed. Of course, Bryan couldn’t take off work because he’s already running on a skeleton crew. I couldn’t because my Regional VP is in town. Thank you, Joe.
Regional VP: Dude, seriously. You freak everyone out by saying you’re going to be in town on Monday and Tuesday. I stayed late Friday night to catch up a report, even. Only for you to call at the eleventh hour saying you’re not coming, you need to work on something else. It’s like having a stay of execution.You know it’s going to happen eventually, and you just want to get it over with yet you’re happy you get some more time. Either way, it’s enough to make a person drink they’re lunch. Thank you, Regional VP.
Payroll: Hey, thanks guys. I get my paycheck way late, and even then, it’s screwed up. Now, I don’t know about all you upper muckety-mucks over there in snooty Connecticut, but over in my world there are a few things I’ve come to rely on. One is my paycheck being on time. The second one is being correct. I know, I’m weird like that, aren’t I? Then you guys get mad that I had the audacity to cash it. Uh, yeah, because I still have bills to pay. I can’t wait the week it takes for you guys to reissue a corrected check. Sorry. I cannot believe you guys actually have degrees. Thank you, Payroll.
Pooker: I know it’s not your fault, but dang girl. The whole weekend, you’ve been a pooping machine. What’s really fun is getting peed on in the mall and walking around with pee on me. And then Sunday morning, you were sitting on my lap, babbling happily. Then I smelled something so rank, so utterly disgusting, I was convinced the dog had died. Nope. You had exploded up your back, down your legs, andall over me. And they say the best part of waking up is Folgers. Silly marketing people. Thank you, Pooker.
Weather: Yay, you're finally warming up. Only to freeze tonight. What's up with being bipolar? Oh well. You were great while you lasted. Thank you, Weather!
PMS: Thanks to you, I've got 3 saved drafts about what a douche Bryan is being. Things that wouldn't normally bug me are making me homicidal. I need Prozac. Thank you, PMS!
Divorce Court: Yeah, thanks for draggin' this out. AGAIN. Jesus Christ, just make my parents settle already, wouldja?! I'm over it. Thank you, Divorce Court!
Housing Market: Look, if you think for one second I'm paying $1,250 to live in a glorified trailor, you're on crack. I know every time the housing market takes a dump, the rental market drives prices up. But I am NOT paying over a grand to live in a dump. I do that already. Thank you, Housing Market!
Morons Who Park Their Cars On the Side Of the Road: when the city specifically told you not to. Why? Because the plows couldn't get through to plow or spray deicer! Then you have the effin' gall to bitch about how "Nuthin ever gets plowed around here!" then move your POS 1987 "Red Dragon" Camaro, you asshat! Now my streets suck! Thank you, Morons!
|
RSS Feed